A burger with a side order of pants
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A burger with a side order of pants

Jun 29, 2023

This may come as a big shock to some of you, but I’m not especially interested in your conversations.

Don't misunderstand me here, if you and I are talking, I will be very interested in what you are saying…unless you are talking about math or something, in which case I’ll nod occasionally and go "uh huh" while I think about something else. What I mean is, your conversations with other people, I don't really want to hear them. Most other people don't either, yet that isn't stopping most folks from blaring both ends of conversations for all the world to hear.

I’m not sure when it started, but most people now have setups in their cars that allow cell phone calls to be routed through stereo speakers. On one hand, it is hands free and much more safe than holding a phone to your head with one hand, holding a glass of tea in the other and holding the wheel with another…wait, that would be three hands. I told you I didn't like math. You get my point, though, which is that having the voice of your friend or mom or coworker coming through your speakers and you having the ability to just talk back to them without holding a phone is convenient and probably more efficient…but man, some of y’all have the volume turned up on those things past 10, past "deceased people can hear this" and into "bleeding ears" territory. I very often am sitting in my office and can hear both of ends of these conversations from traffic passing by. If you are talking to your maw maw or whoever loudly enough that it can be heard not only outside your car, but through the walls of buildings 20 yards away TURN IT DOWN. Do you want everybody to hear your business? Sometimes it's no big deal, it's just, "Hey, what are you doing? "Nothing, how about you?" However, someone driving by my office recently was apparently sideways with a lady friend, and I heard "Well that BLEEP can go BLEEP BLEEP all the way to BLEEP." Sorry you guys are having problems but letting half the county hear about it probably isn't going to remedy the situation.

Then you have speakerphones. Again, if you are in your own house and are cleaning up or cooking, this is a convenient and handy tool. When you are standing in line at a grocery store, it's really not. In fact, I’d dare say it is sort of rude to make me and everyone else listen to both ends of your conversation.

"Yeah, I’m at the grocery store."

"Did you remember to get toilet paper?"

I guess if I quickly surveyed the cart and yelled "NO, THIS BIG DUMMY FORGOT THE CHARMIN!" I’d be considered the bad guy. If you are involving me in the conversation, though, you get what you get. A friend of mine found that out the hard way once. He had me on his "over the speakers" phone thingy in his truck as he pulled up to a drive through to grab a burger.

"Yes, I’d like one large hamburger," he said, while forgetting to turn the speakers down.

"I’M NOT WEARING PANTS!!!!" I screamed.

"I’m sorry, what?" I heard a frightened drive through attendant say.

Needless to say, he just hangs up on me now when it's time to place an order.

I don't think it is an unreasonable request, really. If you are talking to your buddy on the phone, YOU talk to HIM. Don't involve me in it, don't make other people participate and then don't get mad if someone chooses not to be quiet and yells about toilet paper or pants when you have your speaker phone on. Phones plus pants plus toilet paper equals…well, I don't know what that equals because I don't like math, but you get the point.